Many couples come to therapy unsure how bad things have to be before it is “worth” coming in.
You might not be in crisis.
You might still love each other.
You might even be functioning well on the surface.
And yet something feels off.
For some couples, the question is not “Do we need couples therapy?”
It is “Is this the right time, and would it actually help?”
That uncertainty is normal. And it is worth taking seriously.
When couples therapy is likely to be helpful
Couples therapy tends to be most helpful when there is enough safety and willingness to look inward, even if things feel tense, confusing, or stuck.
That does not mean both partners need to be equally motivated.
It does not mean you agree on what the problem is.
It does not mean you already know how to communicate well.
It does mean there is some capacity, even a small one, to consider that change may need to happen on your side, not just your partner’s.
One of the most important things to understand about couples therapy is this.
Therapy is not about fixing the other person.
It is about changing the pattern you are both caught in.
Not everything is your fault.
Not everything is your partner’s fault either.
But patterns do not shift unless someone does something differently, and the only person you can ever control is yourself.
That is not blame.
That is where change becomes possible.
When couples therapy might not be the right first step
There are times when couples therapy is not the most appropriate place to start, or when other support is needed first.
This may be the case if there is ongoing fear, coercion, or a lack of emotional safety.
If one partner feels pressured to attend therapy to prove something or avoid consequences.
If the goal is for the therapist to take sides or decide who is right.
If there is an active affair
If there is active addiction
If there is no willingness at all to reflect on personal impact.
This does not mean the relationship is beyond help.
It means the conditions for productive couples work may not be in place yet.
Ethical couples therapy involves naming this honestly, rather than pushing couples into a process that will not serve them.
Ready enough matters more than perfectly ready
A common myth is that both partners need to be equally ready, equally invested, or equally insightful before therapy can work.
That is rarely how it looks in real relationships.
Often one partner is desperate for change while the other feels unsure, sceptical, or worn down.
In neurodivergent relationships in particular, readiness and capacity often look very different for each partner.
Couples therapy does not require perfect alignment.
It requires enough openness to stay engaged and reflect honestly, even when it is uncomfortable.
Sometimes one person beginning to change how they respond, regulate, or engage can start to shift the entire dynamic.
You do not have to do all the work.
But you do have to be willing to do some.
Why blame and shame block change
This part matters.
When couples get stuck in blaming the other person, the focus stays on what your partner should do differently. The problem with this is not that there is no truth in your frustration. It is that blame keeps the pattern exactly where it is.
At the same time, collapsing into shame does not help either.
When someone becomes overwhelmed by shame, the internal story often sounds like “I am the problem” or “I am failing.” Shame narrows attention, shuts down curiosity, and makes it very hard to stay present in the work.
Change does not happen in blame, and it does not happen in shame.
It happens in a middle space where responsibility can be taken without attack, and impact can be acknowledged without collapse.
Couples therapy works best when neither partner is trying to prove innocence or absorb all the fault, but when both are able to ask, “How am I contributing to this pattern, and what can I do differently?”
That is where movement becomes possible.
What couples therapy will actually ask of you
Couples therapy is not just a place to vent, be validated, or tell your side of the story, although those things matter.
It involves actively changing patterns, not just understanding them.
This often includes slowing down reactions that feel automatic.
Taking responsibility for your part without collapsing into blame or shame.
Tolerating discomfort while learning new ways of responding.
Letting go of the idea that insight alone will fix things.
Change does not happen because one partner finally “gets it.”
It happens because both partners begin to do something different, even in small ways.
And to be clear, I do not just sit back and listen.
Couples therapy, as I practise it, is active. I pay attention to what is happening in real time, help interrupt unhelpful cycles, and support couples to experiment with different ways of relating in the room, not just talk about them.
Why some couples feel relief quickly and others do not
Some couples feel relief early in therapy. Others feel unsettled before things improve.
Both responses are normal.
Relief often comes from feeling understood, having language for what has been happening, or realising you are not broken. For some couples, this shift alone reduces tension and creates a sense of momentum.
Discomfort, on the other hand, often comes from seeing patterns more clearly, being asked to change familiar ways of coping, or letting go of the hope that only your partner needs to change. When long-standing dynamics are named, it can feel exposing before it feels relieving.
It is also important to be clear about this. The success of couples therapy does not depend on the therapist having the right answers. It depends on the couple’s willingness to engage honestly with the process, to reflect on their own contribution to the dynamic, and to stay involved even when the work feels challenging.
The fit between a couple and their therapist also matters. Couples therapy is a relational process, and feeling understood, respected, and appropriately guided makes a significant difference to how the work unfolds. This does not mean therapy should always feel comfortable, or that a good fit means being agreed with. It means the therapist’s approach, pace, and way of working feel workable for both partners and support honest engagement rather than defensiveness or withdrawal.
Different couples also define success differently. For some, success means rebuilding closeness or improving communication. For others, it means gaining clarity, reducing conflict, or making thoughtful decisions about the future of the relationship.
There are no guaranteed outcomes in couples therapy. What can be offered is a structured, supportive process that helps couples move out of stuck patterns and towards greater understanding, responsibility, and choice.
What matters more than how therapy feels at the start is whether the process helps you move forward over time, rather than keeping you caught in the same cycles.
So, is couples therapy the right next step?
Couples therapy is rarely about deciding who is right.
It is about deciding whether you are both willing, in whatever imperfect or uneven way, to look at the dynamic you are part of, take responsibility for your own side, and see whether the relationship can shift when the pattern changes.
You do not need certainty.
You do not need all the answers.
You just need to be open enough to begin.
If you are unsure, that uncertainty itself is often worth exploring with support, rather than trying to resolve it alone.
