Do you ever feel like your partner doesn’t notice you anymore? Maybe you find yourself repeating requests or constantly picking up the slack at home. You might feel more like a parent or a manager than an equal partner.
Or perhaps you’re the one who struggles to stay on top of things—forgetting tasks despite your best intentions. You may feel like no matter how hard you try, it’s never good enough, and that your partner sees you more as an employee than as someone whose efforts deserve recognition and understanding.
These experiences can be confusing and painful, especially when love is present. But increasingly, people are recognising that the root of these dynamics may not be a lack of care.
Understanding Adult ADHD in Relationships
ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) affects how the brain processes attention, motivation, and working memory. This can manifest as forgetfulness, distractibility, impulsivity, disorganisation, and emotional sensitivity—all of which can play out in complex ways in adult relationships.
In couples where one or both partners have ADHD, emotional misattunements and logistical struggles may occur more often—but not due to malice or disinterest. The challenge lies in bridging different cognitive styles with curiosity and care.
ADHD Doesn’t Invent Problems—It Can Amplify Them
It’s important to remember that ADHD doesn’t introduce completely new problems into relationships. Instead, it can intensify the universal ones all couples face.
Every couple—regardless of neurotype—needs to negotiate differing needs, preferences, habits, and ways of communicating. Differences in energy levels, emotional expression, or how a home is managed are not unique to neurodivergent relationships.
But in relationships where ADHD is present, these differences can become more pronounced. The struggles with attention, memory, follow-through or emotional regulation can become the obvious “reason” things are going wrong—and ADHD can become the scapegoat.
This can lead couples to overlook the universal relational work that all partnerships require:
- The work of listening with empathy.
- The work of asking for what you need without blame.
- The work of learning how to accept your partner’s differences with kindness.
ADHD may turn up the volume, but the song is the same: all relationships require intention, self-awareness, and mutual care.
Misinterpretation and Meaning-Making
A common dynamic we see in couples therapy is one partner interpreting distractibility or forgetfulness as disinterest, rejection, or even lack of love. Meanwhile, the person with ADHD may be confused or overwhelmed, unsure how their everyday struggles have led to so much pain.
Here’s the key: ADHD is not a character flaw. It is not a measure of how much someone cares. People with ADHD often feel intense emotions and deep love—but may struggle to show it in expected or consistent ways.
When couples are unaware that ADHD is part of the picture, the behaviours can be misunderstood as laziness, carelessness, or selfishness. These painful interpretations quickly lead to cycles of blame, resentment, and emotional distancing.
The Symptom–Response–Response Cycle
One of the most corrosive patterns in ADHD-affected relationships is what therapists call the symptom–response–response cycle. For example:
- One partner (with ADHD) forgets a shared plan.
- The other (non-ADHD) partner becomes frustrated, feeling let down or ignored.
- The ADHD partner, already struggling with shame or overwhelm, retreats or becomes defensive.
Over time, both partners feel hurt and unseen. Importantly, it’s not the ADHD symptoms alone that erode connection—it’s how both people respond to those symptoms without recognising them for what they are.
“Why Can’t They Just…?”
To someone without ADHD, tasks like checking the mail, replying to a message, or remembering to bring the groceries inside may seem simple. But for someone with ADHD, these seemingly “small” things may require a great deal of cognitive energy and executive function.
ADHD is not a motivation issue. It’s a difference in how the brain processes attention and reward. It can feel like the internal “get up and go” button is broken—especially for tasks that don’t offer immediate interest or novelty. This is often mistaken for laziness, but it’s more accurately described as a difficulty with task initiation and regulation.
Understanding this doesn’t mean excusing every behaviour. But it helps shift the conversation from blame to understanding—and opens up new possibilities for collaboration.
The Parent–Child Dynamic
One of the relationship patterns that often occurs in relationships where ADHD is present is the slide into a parent–child dynamic or over-functioning and under-functioning. The non-ADHD partner can often end up managing the household, schedules, and emotional labour. The ADHD partner, often unintentionally, falls into a pattern of under-functioning. The imbalance builds resentment on both sides.
Over time, the non-ADHD partner may become more controlling or critical—just to keep things running. The ADHD partner may feel diminished, patronised, or chronically inadequate. Eventually, communication breaks down, and trust erodes.
This pattern is exhausting for both people. It requires conscious effort to shift back into an adult–adult dynamic, where both partners feel empowered, respected, and capable.
I explore the over-functioning, and under-functioning dynamic is a recent blog and include practical ways of addressing this common dynamic. It’s important to note that both roles are rooted in anxiety.
The “Pursuit and Withdrawal” Loop
Many couples dealing with ADHD also fall into a pursuit–withdrawal pattern. The non-ADHD partner may push harder for connection or accountability, sometimes escalating the tone or urgency of their communication. In response, the ADHD partner—already flooded or dysregulated—may retreat, shut down, or avoid engagement altogether.
This cycle reinforces disconnection. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws—and vice versa. Both partners can end up feeling alone and misunderstood.
Breaking this cycle starts with recognising it. Slowing down, softening the approach, and using emotionally safe communication tools can help re-establish connection.
Moving From Blame to Collaboration
Blame is a seductive but unproductive response to pain. It may feel temporarily satisfying, but it rarely helps couples move forward.
The truth is, ADHD doesn’t break relationships—disconnection does. And disconnection often stems from unspoken expectations, miscommunications, and hurt feelings that never got properly named or repaired.
What can help?
- Name the differences you experience: Understanding one is not better then the other.
- Practice compassion: Both partners are often doing the best they can with the tools they have.
- Work as a team: Solutions work best when both people take shared responsibility. It’s not about assigning fault—it’s about co-creating strategies that work for your unique dynamic.
- Build external supports: Medication, coaching, therapy, reminders, visual schedules—whatever helps reduce the load on the relationship is worth exploring.
- Celebrate effort, not just outcomes: Positive reinforcement can go a long way toward healing shame and building trust.
- Resist the urge to blame ADHD for all your relationship issues: If your relationship once felt more harmonious, take a moment to reflect: what has shifted? Since ADHD has always been part of your dynamic, what new factors might be influencing your connection today?
Final Thoughts: A Different Way of Loving
Neurodivergent couples—like all couples—have challenges. But they also have extraordinary strengths: creativity, humour, resilience, and deep emotional sensitivity.
If ADHD is part of your relationship, know that your relationship is not broken—it simply needs care, tools, and understanding.
At The Couples Therapy Clinic, we support couples of all neurotypes to create sustainable, respectful, and meaningful relationships. You deserve a connection that honours who you both are—exactly as you are.
References: https://tuckmanpsych.com
