Out of Sight, Not Out of Love: ADHD in Relationships

Living with ADHD can often feel like your brain is juggling too many things at once — and dropping the ball on tasks, objects, or even people when they’re no longer in view. If you’ve ever walked away from something mid-task and forgotten it entirely, or needed reassurance in a relationship more often than others seem to, there’s a good chance object permanence plays a role.

At The Couples Therapy Clinic, we specalise working with individuals and couples navigating neurodivergence. Understanding how ADHD affects memory and emotional awareness can help reduce shame and build stronger, more compassionate relationships.

What Is Object Permanence — and How Does It Show Up in ADHD?

Object permanence refers to the ability to mentally hold onto the idea that people, tasks, or things still exist, even when they’re out of sight. In early childhood development, this concept explains why babies are startled when a toy disappears — or why peek-a-boo is so entertaining.

In adults with ADHD, challenges with object permanence don’t mean a person literally forgets something exists. Instead, their brains can struggle to keep that thing in mind once it’s no longer visible or immediately relevant.

This can lead to all sorts of daily hiccups — from forgetting your coffee on the bench to overlooking important tasks or even losing emotional connection with loved ones when they’re not physically present.

How Object Permanence Difficulties Affect Everyday Life

1. Managing Responsibilities

ADHD can make it tough to remember tasks or keep track of items unless there’s a clear cue or prompt. For example:

• You may forget to take medication unless it’s left in plain sight
• Bills may go unpaid unless a reminder pops up
• Keys, phones, or glasses get “lost” even though they’re in the house

This isn’t laziness — it’s a brain wired to focus on the here and now, often at the expense of things that aren’t immediately visible.

2. Emotional Permanence and Relationships

In relationships, object permanence overlaps with emotional permanence — the ability to remember that others care for you, even when you’re not actively receiving validation or affection.

Partners with ADHD might:

• Forget to respond to texts or follow up with loved ones
• Feel anxious or disconnected when their partner isn’t nearby
• Seek frequent reassurance of love or commitment

From the outside, this might appear like avoidance or neediness, but it’s actually a neurological difficulty maintaining an internal sense of emotional connection.

Why This Can Be Misunderstood in Relationships

When someone forgets a birthday or doesn’t check in, it can easily be taken as a lack of care. But in neurodivergent relationships — especially those involving ADHD — these behaviours often stem from how memory and attention function, not from a lack of love or respect.

That’s why building mutual understanding is so important. Therapy for neurodivergent couples can help decode these differences and prevent resentment from building up around misinterpreted behaviours.

Real-Life Impacts of Object Permanence in Relationships

For the ADHD Partner:

Tasks vanish once you leave the room.

• You forget to check in — not because you don’t care, but because the person isn’t mentally present.
• You may need frequent reminders or reassurance but feel ashamed to ask for it.

For the Non-ADHD Partner:

• You feel forgotten or unsupported.
• You might interpret forgetfulness as emotional distance or neglect.
• You may carry the mental load of planning, remembering, and emotionally “holding” the relationship.

Without clear communication and tools, this cycle can lead to frustration, disconnection, and resentment on both sides.

Practical Strategies for Navigating Object Permanence Challenges

If you or your partner lives with ADHD, here are some practical, brain-friendly ways to stay on top of tasks and nurture relationships.

Make the Invisible Visible

• Use whiteboards, label makers, sticky notes, and visible checklists.
• Keep essential items like medication, keys, or chargers in the same, clearly visible spots
• Display photos or mementos to stay emotionally connected with loved ones

Set Smart Reminders

• Use phone alarms or digital reminders for tasks that are easy to forget
• Schedule notifications for things like bill payments, medication, or relationship check-ins
• Time reminders to fit your rhythm (e.g. after your morning coffee, not in the middle of a busy moment

Build a “Love Archive”

• Save text messages, cards, or screenshots of kind words from people you care about
• Create a digital or physical space to revisit when emotional reassurance is needed
• This helps maintain a sense of connection when loved ones aren’t around

Practice Self-Compassion and Open Communication

No strategy is perfect — and ADHD doesn’t go away with better planning. It’s vital to approach yourself with kindness when something slips through the cracks.

Talking openly with partners, friends, or colleagues about ADHD and object permanence helps shift the narrative from “you don’t care” to “your brain works differently — let’s work with it.”

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Support for Neurodivergent Couples and Individuals

At The Couples Therapy Clinic, we specialise in supporting neurodivergent couples and individuals navigating ADHD-related challenges. Whether it’s improving communication, setting up practical routines, or deepening emotional connection, therapy can provide the tools to reduce frustration and build a relationship that works for your unique wiring.

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Want help creating more connection and less chaos in your relationship?
Contact The Couples Therapy Clinic to learn how we support couples and individuals living with ADHD and other neurodivergences.

References

Object Permanence & ADHD: “Out of Sight, Out of Mind” – 10018