Have you ever felt like you’re carrying the emotional weight of your relationship? Are you always the one planning, organising, initiating difficult conversations, or making sure things don’t fall apart? If so, you might be caught in a dynamic Harriet Lerner—renowned psychologist and author—calls over-functioning and under-functioning. And you’re not alone.
Many couples fall into these roles without even realising it. Over time, this pattern can lead to burnout, frustration, and distance. The good news? Once you understand the dynamic, you can take steps to change it—for the better of both yourself and your relationship.
In this blog, we’ll explore what Harriet Lerner says about over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships, how to identify these roles, and what to do if you’re stuck in the pattern.
What Is Over-Functioning and Under-Functioning?
Lerner, in books like The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy, describes over-functioning and under-functioning as interlocking roles that couples often fall into when under stress or dealing with anxiety.
The over-functioner is the one who takes charge, gets things done, and often worries more about the relationship.
The under-functioner, on the other hand, is seen as the one who can’t quite get it together—who struggles with consistency, avoids responsibility, or appears to withdraw.
These roles are not about personality flaws. They’re relational patterns that evolve, often unconsciously, and they’re mutually reinforcing. The more one partner over-functions, the more the other is likely to under-function—and vice versa.
Common Signs of Over-Functioning in Relationships
You might be over-functioning in your relationship if you:
Constantly remind or nag your partner about tasks.
- Feel anxious when things are not under control.
- Take over responsibilities because “it’s just easier.”
- Feel resentful that you’re doing more than your share.
- Step into solve problems or “rescue” your partner.
Over-functioners often appear competent and responsible—but underneath that competence is often anxiety and a deep need to feel safe or in control. Over functioners can also be described as high functioning co-dependents which I examined in a recent blog.
Common Signs of Under-Functioning
On the flip side, under-functioners may:
- Avoid decision-making or procrastinate.
- Rely on their partner to take the lead.
- Appear less motivated, less organised, or more passive.
- Feel criticised or judged, even when their partner is “helping”.
- Withdraw when their partner pushes for action or change.
Under-functioners are often not lazy or incapable—they’re simply caught in a role that leaves little space for initiative or growth.
The Emotional Cost of This Dynamic
While it may appear that the over-functioner is “the strong one,” this dynamic takes a toll on both partners:
The over-functioning partner may feel isolated, burdened, or resentful—“Why do I have to do everything?”
The under-functioning partner may feel inadequate, dependent, or demoralised—“I can never do it right anyway.”
Lerner emphasises that both roles are anxiety-driven. The over-functioner acts from a place of fear—fear of failure, of disconnection, or of things falling apart. The under-functioner may withdraw out of overwhelm, shame, or self-doubt.
Breaking the Pattern: What Harriet Lerner Recommends
One of Lerner’s key messages is that we can’t change our partner, but we can change our side of the dance. That begins with understanding the role we’re playing—and making new choices.
If You’re the Over-Functioner:
- Step back. Allow space for your partner to engage, even if it feels uncomfortable.
- Resist the urge to rescue. Let your partner handle their own responsibilities.
- Manage your anxiety. Ask yourself: what am I afraid will happen if I stop doing so much?
- Communicate clearly. Express needs without micromanaging the outcome.
If You’re the Under-Functioner:
- Notice where you lean out. Identify one area where you can take more ownership.
- Start small. Change begins with one step forward.
- Ask for support, not solutions. Let your partner know how to encourage you—without taking over.
- Ask for support, not solutions. Let your partner know how to encourage you—without taking over.
- Challenge self-doubt. You are capable of more than the role suggests.
A Note on Compassion and Change
These patterns are often inherited or shaped by early life experiences. They’re not about blame—they’re about understanding. Once we become aware of the dynamic, we gain the power to shift it.
Couples therapy can help identify and transform these relational patterns, making space for mutual respect, autonomy, and deeper connection.
Final Thoughts: Balance Is Possible
Relationships flourish when both partners feel empowered. If you’ve found yourself doing too much—or not enough—know that change is possible.
“We change our relationships by changing ourselves.” — Harriet Lerner
The first step might be doing just a little less… or a little more—with awareness and intention.
Looking for Support?
At The Couples Therapy Clinic, we help couples and individuals explore their relational patterns with compassion and clarity. Whether you’re feeling overwhelmed or disconnected, therapy can help you reconnect—with yourself and your partner.
Get in touch to find out more about how we can support your relationship journey.
[…] explore the over-functioning, and under-functioning dynamic is a recent blog and include practical ways of addressing this common dynamic. It’s important to note that […]